Assertive Communication
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Learning Objectives
- 1Describe the difference between passive, assertive, and aggressive communication
- 2Use an "I feel ___ when ___; I need ___" sentence to speak up clearly
- 3Match real-life scenarios to a respectful assertive response
- 4Choose assertive words that protect your needs without hurting others
Mini Lesson
Assertive communication is how you say what you need clearly and respectfully — without going silent and without going harsh. It is the middle path between passive and aggressive, and it is the one that actually gets your needs met while keeping the friendship intact.
Three Communication Styles
Most messages we send fall into one of three styles. Each style sends a very different signal to the other person about how much your needs and their needs matter.
- Passive — your needs disappear. You say "it is fine" when it is not, you mumble, you avoid eye contact, you leave without saying what you actually wanted.
- Assertive — both your needs and theirs matter. You speak calmly, look at the person, name what you feel, and say what you need.
- Aggressive — only your needs matter. You raise your voice, blame, name-call, or use words that make the other person feel small.
The Assertive Sentence Formula
When you do not know what to say, lean on this simple template. It keeps your message about your own experience and your own request, instead of attacking the other person.
- I feel ___ — name a feeling word (frustrated, left out, worried, embarrassed).
- when ___ — describe the action, not the person ("when my turn gets skipped").
- I need ___ — say what you actually want ("I need a chance to finish my idea").
Words and Body Together
Assertive communication is not just the words. Your body, voice, and eyes all need to match. A great assertive sentence whispered to the floor still sounds passive — and the same sentence shouted still sounds aggressive.
- Voice: calm and steady — not a whisper, not a shout.
- Eyes: friendly eye contact — not staring at your shoes, not glaring.
- Body: shoulders open, facing the person, not turned away or looming.
- Words: feeling word, action, request — no labels or insults.
Tip: when a strong feeling shows up, take one breath before you speak. Then start with "I feel" — not "you always". Your feeling is yours, and it is harder to argue with.
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